Stanley, Prince of South Park
by AllYourBaseAreBelongToKyle
Summary: Hamlet, but with South Park characters and language we understand.
1. Act 1 Scene 1

**Notes: I came up with the idea of writing this while at work the other night. Hopefully Shakespeare understands, and doesn't decide to come kill me in the middle of the night.**

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It was well below freezing in South Park, and Francis desperately wanted his shift to end so he could return to the warm guard quarters and get some well earned rest. Suddenly he heard a noise and instinctively raised his halberd.

"Who's there?" he called.

"Me!" a voice answered.

Francis relaxed, it was his relief, Bradley.

"Finally, I was wondering when you would show up," Francis remarked as Bradley walked up and stood beside him.

"Well, I didn't want to show up," Bradley said with a sigh, "but it's midnight and I have to relieve you. Anything I should know about before you go?"

"Nothing," Francis answered.

"Good," Bradley replied, "if you see Kyle or Jason on your way to the guard house, tell them to hurry up and get out here, will ya?"

"That won't be necessary," said Francis, "here they come now."

"Hi Guys!" called Kyle as he walked out onto the castle wall with Jason following close behind.

"Well, goodnight everyone," said Francis as he walked into the castle.

"Goodnight!" called Jason.

Kyle and Jason stood beside Bradley.

"Have you seen it," Jason asked, his voice suddenly gaining a serious tone.

"No," answered Bradley, "and Francis said he didn't see anything either."

"You guys must really be board," remarked Kyle, "seeing imaginary creatures and stuff."

"Dammit Kyle," said Jason, "Bradley and I have seen something out here, twice."

"Ya, whatever," replied Kyle.

"Sit down," said Bradley, "and we'll tell you about it."

Kyle did as was requested.

"It happened two nights in a row," Bradley began, "at one o'clock in the morning. Jason and I were standing watch and suddenly…"

"Bradley, shut up!" whispered Jason, "there it is, look!"

Bradley pointed into the distance, and Kyle gasped, for there before him, floating about thirty feet away from the wall, was a ghost. Although it was dark and somewhat foggy, Kyle could clearly identify that this was the spirit of the dead King, Randy Marsh.

"See, told you," whispered Jason, "I told you, and you, and you didn't listen!"

"Jason, shut up!" whispered Bradley, "Kyle, say something to it!"

Kyle didn't say anything, he simply stood awestruck, staring at the ghost.

"Dammit Kyle, speak to it!" whispered Jason.

"What…what are you?" Kyle stammered, "Why…why do you…"

Kyle paused, then spoke again, his fear now quelled.

"Why do you take the form of the fallen King of South Park?" he called, "By heaven, I charge thee, speak!"

The ghost turned and began floating away.

"Come back here you son of a bitch!" yelled Kyle.

The ghost turned and gave Kyle the finger.

"Hey!" yelled Kyle.

"There see, you offended it!" cried Bradley, who seemed quite happy about the whole ordeal.

"Goddammit!" whispered Jason.

"I've gotta tell Stan about this!" cried Kyle, as he dashed back inside.

Suddenly Bradley and Jason stood alone on the castle wall.

"I told you he would piss the ghost off," said Bradley.

"I fucking hate you," replied Jason as he handed Bradley a fifty dollar bill.


	2. Act 1 Scene 2

King Jimbo sat on the throne, drinking a beer.

"Life is so good to me," he thought to himself as he stood to give his speech to the lords and ladies of South Park.

'Well," he began, 'I know that my dear brother's death still weighs heavily upon us, but I know he would want us to move on with our lives. There is much that needs to be discussed, for the fate of the kingdom lies in peril. The young Prince Cartman of North Park, who's mother my dear brother killed in honorable combat, seeks revenge, and plots to destroy us.."

There was a gasp of surprise from the crowd.

'Don't worry about a thing," assured Jimbo, "I'll take care of everything."

'Hurray for King Jimbo!" cried someone in the crowd.

"YAY!" cried the entire crowd.

"What a bunch of retards," thought Jimbo before continuing his speech. "Yes, I have a plan to stop the young Cartman. You see, Cartman has an uncle named Howard, who despises violence and war. If he knew of the young Cartman's plan, he would surly try to put a stop to it. Of course Cartman would refuse, and Howard would have no choice but to wage a civil war against Cartman's troops. And after they're done killin each other, we come in and take out the rest of em!"

"That sounds like a good idea," said Ned, Jimbo's advisor and best friend.

The crowd cheered and began to disperse.

"Timmy and Jimmy!" called Jimbo.

"Ri…righ…right here your maj…majas…ty." said Jimmy.

"TIMMY!" cried Timmy.

"Take this letter to Cartman's uncle Howard," ordered Jimbo as he handed Jimmy a letter.

"Yes…yes…yes your…majesty!" said Jimmy, taking the letter and heading for the door.

'TIMMY!" cried Timmy, as he followed Jimmy out the door.

Jimbo watched them leave, and then turned his attention to Kenny, a friend of Ned's adopted daughter.

"So how goes it with you young Kenny?" asked Jimbo.

"fmmmfmm mmm mfffmp mfffmm mffpffpff, fmpppf fmmmmmffm fmpmfpmmmfmp ppppfpppmpp ppfmpf fmpmfpmppppm."

"What?"

Kenny removed the hood of his Parka, then spoke again.

"I want to go back to Middle Park and continue my schooling with your permission my lord. I came here willingly to show my support at your coronation, but now that that's done, I must return to school and finish English paper on Shakespeare for Mr. Garrison's class."

'Well, I don't know, what do you think Ned?"

"Hey!" cried Kenny, "I don't care what Ned thinks, he's not my dad!"

Jimbo ignored him.

"Well, I suppose he can go," said Ned, "I mean he's got a point. I'm not his dad."

"Well, that's good enough for me!" exclaimed Jimbo.

Kenny put his hood back up and left the room.

"And how are you doing on this fine day my dear Stan?" asked Jimbo turning to face his nephew.

"Oh, just fine," replied Stan sarcastically, "I mean, my dad's dead, you've married my mom, and South Park may have to go to war with North Park."

"Oh Stan," said Jimbo, "you worry too much. You just need to settle down with a good cold beer and make love to that girlfriend of yours."

"Maybe I'll try that." said Stan in response.

"Good," said Jimbo, "well, I'd stay and chat with you Stan, but I've got a full day of drinking, huntin, and wild monkey sex with your mom, so I'll see you later. Come on Ned!"

Jimbo and Ned exited the room. The crowd had long since left, and Stan was alone.

"You just need to drink," Stan said imitating his uncle. "You just need to shoot innocent little animals, you just need to have sex with Wendy. You just need to become an alcoholic loser Stan, then you won't care that your dad died Stan."

"Dude Stan, you shouldn't say stuff like that, someone might here."

Stan jumped, he hadn't noticed his best friend enter the room.

"Kyle," Stan said, "I didn't here you come in."

"Stan, there's something you should know," Kyle said, "I think I saw your dad last night."

"What?"

"Last night I stood watch with Bradley and Jason. At one o'clock your fathers ghost appeared."

"Your crazy Kyle."

"Would I lie to my super best friend, especially about something this serious?"

"Good point, stranger things have happened in this town. Did you speak to it?"

"I tried Stan, but…" Kyle hung his head in shame, "…but I offended it and it left."

"Maybe I'll have better luck, he is my dad after all...supposedly."

"Maybe."

"I'll watch with the guards tonight, and I want you to be there Kyle."

Kyle nodded and left the room, leaving Stan alone again.


	3. Act 1 Scene 3

**Notes: I think the hardest part of writing this has been trying to figure out who was going to be who. I spent several hours working that out, trying to match the characters of Hamlet. I'm satisfied for the most part, but I'm not too happy with the Kenny/Laertes thing, or Wendy being Ned's adopted daughter. I suppose that if there's enough interest, I'll explain how I chose who was going to be who, although it's fairly easy to figure out if you've read the play. Just leave a note on the bottom of your review or something.**

**And before we go any further I just want to say that I thoroughly enjoy Hamlet, although the language can be a bit of a problem sometimes :)**

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Wendy hated irony. When she was in Kindergarten she had wanted to be a princess. Then, about halfway through the third grade, her parents had died in a freak accident, and she was adopted by Ned, who brought her to live with him in the castle. She wasn't exactly a princess, but she was damned close. Wendy had the dream job of just about every girl in South Park.

And she hated it.

Sure, the castle was nice, the food was good, and she had servants to cater to her every whim, but it was just so boring.

The only good thing to come out of the whole ordeal was Stan. They had taken an instant liking to each other, and it wasn't long before they started spending all their free time together.

Wendy heard someone open her chamber door and she turned to see who it was.

Kenny.

"Mmffpppf pmfpfpfffffm pmmpfpuppm fmpmufpmpph mphfpmfffm fmmpfmffmppfmmp."

"What was that Kenny?"

Kenny sighed and lowered his hood.

"I said I'm all packed and ready to leave for Middle Park. I just wanted to say goodbye before I left."

"That's sweet of you Kenny."

"Ya, I know, well goodbye."

Kenny turned to leave.

"Wait," called Wendy.

Kenny turned around to face her.

"Ya?"

"I was just wondering, do you have a crush on me or something?"

"What! Hell no! I have a girlfriend. Granted, she lives on the other side of the county but honestly, the thought of me going out with you…it's just wrong."

"Oh, good, I was just wondering."

Kenny put his hood back on and walked out of the room, mumbling something as he left.

Wendy sighed and returned to thinking about Stan. She was worried about him. He hadn't been the same since his father had died. The cheerful boy that she knew had been replaced by a depressed, sarcastic smart ass.

Wendy heard someone else enter the room and turned to see Ned.

"That was some great hunting we had today," Ned exclaimed enthusiastically as he hung his musket on the wall. "Jimbo and I killed twenty-six deer, ten polar bears, fifteen penguins, eleven mudcrabs, one of which tried to sell us a large amount of cheap booze, seven ducks, fifty-two insurance salesmen, twenty-seven elephants, and a partridge in a pear tree."

"Great," sighed Wendy, "that's only 149 lives you've taken today."

"Now why are you so glum," asked Ned, "oh, let me guess, your worried about Stan, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Look Wendy, Stan is an asshole, he says he loves you, but he doesn't."

Wendy was silent for a moment, then replied, "bullshit."

"You don't see it now, my dear daughter, but you will eventually."

Ned left the room, leaving Wendy alone again.

She sighed, and looked out her window, it would be so easy to jump and end her misery.

"No," she said to herself, "I won't resort to that. I'd never commit suicide."

But sometimes, the thought did appeal to her.

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**Well, that was short. Did you spot the Morrowind reference?**


	4. Act 1 Scene 4

It was another freezing night, much like it had been the night before. Stan, Kyle, and Jason stood on the castle wall, their eyes peeled for the ghost.

"Stay alert everyone," said Jason, "it should arrive any second now."

"I hope so," said Stan, who was shivering from the cold.

"Look, there it is!" cried Kyle pointing to the ghost, who had appeared some twenty feet away from the wall.

"Angles and ministers of grace defend us." whispered Stan.

"Stan, speak to it!" cried Kyle.

"You, from where do you come from, Heaven or Hell?" asked Stan.

The ghost remained silent.

"Be thy intentions wicked or charitable?"

The ghost continued to remain silent.

"Dammit!" cried Stan, "answer me! What do you want? Why are you here? And for God's sake why do you take the form of my slain father?"

Suddenly the ghost beckoned Stan to approach it.

"It wants you to follow it!" cried Kyle.

"It would appear so," replied Stan.

"Don't go My Lord!" cried Jason, "It's intentions may be evil!"

"Dammit!" cried Stan, "if it wants me to go with it then I shall!"

"Don't do it Stan!" cried Kyle. "It may try to have sex with you!"

Everyone, including the ghost, stared at Kyle, who's face turned red with embarrassment.

"Uhhh…well…" he stammered, then looked down at the ground, "maybe that sounded kinda stupid."

The ghost motioned for Stan to follow it again.

"It waves me still," said Stan.

"Don't go!" cried Jason, grabbing Stan's arm as he attempted to leave.

'Hold off your hands!" cried Stan. "My fate cries out, and by heaven I swear that I shall see what this ghost wants!"

Stan managed to shake Jason off, and bolted inside, slamming and locking the door behind him.

"Dammit!" cried Jason as he pounded his fist against the locked door.

"Look, there he goes!" cried Kyle, pointing to the ground.

Jason looked over the wall and could see the ghost float into the trees that surrounded the castle, followed closely by Stan.

"Something is rotten in the state of South Park," muttered Jason.

"Come on!" cried Kyle, "we must follow him, lets find another door!"

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**Another short chapter, hopefully the next one will be longer.**


	5. Act 1 Scene 5

**Notes: I know that the script says that this scene takes place on another area of the castle wall, but I'm having it take place in the woods (more privacy that way so The Ghost can rape Stan…just kidding).**

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'All right you damn ghost, tell me what the Hell you want with me!"

The Ghost stopped it's flight and turned to look at Stan.

"What?"

'You heard me," replied Stan, "speak, I'll go no farther."

"Very well, mark me."

"What the Hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Just shut up and listen, for my time grows short. Soon I must return to the fires of Purgatory, until my sins are burned away."

"Oh dude, that totally sucks."

"Pity me not, but listen closely to what I am about to say."

Stan sat in silence, waiting for the ghost to continue.

"Are you listening?" asked The Ghost impatiently after several seconds.

"Yes."

"OK, good, now listen. I am thy fathers spirit, and I have returned from Purgatory to talk to you."

"Yes, we have already established that," Stan said impatiently, "now tell me what's so fucking important!"

"Stan, I was murdered!"

"Murdered!" cried Stan.

"Yes, it was a murder most foul and unusual. While I slept in the castle garden I was stung by a serpent, and that serpent now sits upon the throne of South Park."

It took a moment for Stan to realize who The Ghost was referring to, and then the answer hit him.

"Jimbo, that son of a bitch!"

"Yes, your uncle, my brother. He shot me in the head with his shotgun while I slept. Now he sits upon the throne, and has married your mother. O horrible, most horrible! You must avenge me noble Stan!"

"Avenge you?"

"Yes, do not let the bed of South Park become a couch of damned incest! Do not let that traitor continue to sit upon the throne!"

"Hey…uh…dad," Stan stammered, unable to fully embrace the idea that this ghost was indeed his deceased father, "what about mom?"

"Leave her to heaven!" cried The Ghost, "Let the powers that be decide her fate!" The Ghost began to fade. 'Remember what I have told you young Stan! Adieu! Adieu! Remember me!"

With those words The Ghost disappeared.

Stan stood in the clearing for several minutes, reflecting on what had just transpired, when he heard voices calling his name, faint at first, but growing louder.

"Stan…Stan…Stan, where are you?"

He recognized the voices, they belonged to Kyle and Jason.

"I'm over here!" cried Stan.

There was a pause, and then Kyle shouted, "where the fuck is here!"

"This way!" cried Jason.

The three were quickly reunited.

'Well, what happened?" asked Jason.

"Did it try and rape you?" asked Kyle.

"No, I was not raped by The Ghost," said Stan, "but I won't tell you what occurred."

'Why not?" asked Kyle.

"Because you might tell someone."

"Oh, come on Stan, were super best friends."

Stan thought about Kyle's comment for a second.

"Very, well," Stan said, "but promise me you won't tell anyone."

"I swear," said Kyle.

"I swear as well my lord," said Jason.

"All right then, there is a villain in South Park," said Stan, intentionally keeping his friends in the dark.

"Tell us something we don't know," said Jason.

Kyle looked hurt, and Stan had the feeling that Kyle knew he wasn't telling him the whole truth.

"Kyle, why are you looking so glum?" asked Jason, "is it news to you that there's a villain in South Park?"

Kyle said nothing, and instead looked Stan in the eyes.

'I'm sorry if my words offend you," said Stan, who quickly looked down at the ground.

"No offense taken," said Kyle.

Stan looked up and Kyle gave him a knowing glance, as if telling him that he understood Stan couldn't reveal everything yet.

"My friends, I have one more request," said Stan after a momentary silence.

"What is it?" asked Jason.

"Never reveal to anyone what has transpired here tonight."

"I will not My Lord!" said Jason.

"Nor will I!" promised Kyle.

"Swear it," said Stan drawing his sword, "upon my sword."

"Propose the oath," said Kyle.

Stan cleared his throat, then proposed the oath.

"Gentlemen, come, lay your hands upon this blade, and swear to never reveal to anyone that which you have seen and heard tonight."

Both Kyle and Jason swore.

Stan sheathed his sword, then smiled at his two friends.

"Gentlemen, I don't know about you, but I'm sick of standing out here in the cold. Come, let us go together!"

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**Well, that's all of Act One. It's kinda amazing how short these scenes are once you you replace all the fancy Renaissance era blah blah blah style writing with American style English. **


	6. Act 2 Scene 1

The cigarette smoke hung think in Ned's room, but the two occupants didn't mind. Ned sat in his favorite chair, while the other occupant, an eight year old French boy, sat on the sofa. Between the two of them was a maple table. An ashtray on the table was full of cigarette butts, as the two occupants had both been smoking since their secret meeting began.

"Now I want you to give him this money and these papers," said Ned, who tossed a bag of coins and some papers on the table.

"Why ze fuck do you fucking care about zome ked not even fucking relateed to you?"

"I'm just a nosy son of a bitch who wants to know everything," Ned replied as he leaned back in his overstuffed chair and took another drag from his cigarette. "Now Mole, before you visit Kenny, I want you to inquire about his behavior."

"What ze fuck eever," replied The Mole as he tossed the coins and papers into his backpack.

Ned took another drag on his cigarette and continued. "Find out where he works, how much they pay him. Find out who his friends are. Find out where he buys his groceries. Find out if he thought of that new Star Trek movie. See how many times a week he writes his girlfriend. Find out what kind of beer he drinks. Find out if he's ch…"

"I get ze fucking peecture," interrupted The Mole, who stood up and turned for the exit.

"Now go!" cried Ned.

"What doez eet look like I'm doing?" asked The Mole, who continued to walk towards the exit.

Ned suddenly spoke up. "Oh, and find out what kind of music he likes, what his grades are, how many hours he studies, how long…"

The Mole exited and slammed the door shut behind him to shut out Ned's voice.

"What a diek," The Mole thought, "hee's going to come to a bad eend. I'm geeting ze fuck out of here. To Hell weeth theis stupid job!"

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Ned watched from his window as The Mole hopped on his black motorcycle and drove away.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Ned, "soon, I know everything there is to know about young Kenny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…"

Ned's laughter was cut short by the arrival of Wendy, who began choking on the thick smoke.

"What's going on, Wendy?" asked Ned.

"It's…Stan…some...thing…is…wrong…with…him!"

"Really, what is it?"

"I…don't know…I…"

Suddenly Wendy ran from the room.

"Hey, come back here!" cried Ned chasing after his adopted daughter.

Wendy stopped running about fifteen feet away from the door.

"Wendy, what was that for!?" cried Ned.

"I couldn't breath!" replied Wendy, too much smoke. You do know that second hand smoke kills, right?"

"No it doesn't, the tobacco company said that there's no proof that secondhand smoke exists."

"You are a goddamn idiot," Wendy whispered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing, I saw Stan earlier. Something was wrong with him. He came over and looked at me for a good minute, and there was a sad look in his eyes. He said nothing, he just looked at me and held my hand. Then he left."

"He is mad!" exclaimed Ned. "He is mad for your love! No doubt he wants to have sex with you! I cannot tolerate this any longer! I will go speak to the king about this!"

Ned left Wendy standing alone in the hallway, wishing she had kept her mouth shut.

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**Thus begins Act 2 *yawn*. I was debating whether to include that scene with Ned and The Mole (Reynaldo) because we never see or hear from him again. In the end I decided to keep it (obviously) and write in an excuse (The Mole isn't going to do the job) to explain why he's never seen again.**


End file.
